Ingenuine Sanguine
 |
“love on a first sight”.
I
do not even know what is about you that could enchant me into you. Maybe it is
your perfect smile? Maybe it is your heartwarming soul? Or maybe everything
about you is just my preference, cause it seems like that is the most logical
way to explain the feeling. Even before we got close, I can not stop thinking
about you. I get crazy over you, my Sun. Crazy enough that I asked myself, are
you actually my past-time lover and that we are bound by faith to be together
in the future of this life? The funny thing is I never believed in such things
as fate and reincarnation, and then, maybe they want me to know that they
actually exist, so they tangled us together. We got close, how? I never tried
to get close to you, and you are not the type to just hit on me like that,
love is indeed a mystery.
I
still remember the day you told me you had the same feeling, and that we fell
with each other on that day of fate-binding. You told me you liked my winter
cold atmosphere, you know I hated myself as hard as I used to love you. Then
you held my hands, so tight, it slowly melts the block of ice that captive my
soul inside all my life. Your warm touches make me fell deeper and deeper.
I
lost myself in you.
It
is days of festive mood and feast. A lot of fun we had, A lot of up and downs we went through, and all the time
with me in your embrace. I got slowly taken away in your fervent pace.
You
changed me.
I
started to love myself.
Worn-down
look that is always on my face? Changed into your signature perfect smile. The
monochrome vision i always had when I looked at the world? It is all changed
into the bright colors of the rainbow in the sky. So tell me, my Sun,
Why
you dimmed?
It
is all still so vivid, the day I found those voids hidden beneath your luminous
light. When i slowly glowed brighter, you slowly lost your light.
When
you filled me up, I drained you dry. Your warm magical touch, you lost it.
Your
dazzling signature smile, you lost it. Your blazing unbroken love, you lost it.
I
am startled.
The
moon has lost its sun.
Or
did it? After times of reflection, I realized something. From the very start,
are you actually just like the past me that I always hated? You created the
dazzling side of you because you hate yourself too? Or do you steal someone’s
light too, just to lose it after you
give it to me? What was the answer? And so,
I
asked you, but you just glanced away.
I
held you, but what is this block of ice on you?
I
shouted at you, you shouted at me back. It is not a shout of revelation, it is
a shout of resentful hate. With that, I know you have hated me. Just like I can
not love myself back then when I hated it, I can not love you anymore who have
hated me.
I
left.
Why
did I leave you?
I
can not feel you anymore.
I
can not touch you anymore.
I
can not recognize you anymore.
How
can I realize it so late that it is all just my idealization of you? On a way
or another, I unconsciously only looked at you in the way it favors you, just
like the way the moon adores its sun.
It
is all just an ingenuine sanguine.
This
fairy tale kind of love is just all in my head. You, my sun, are the victim of
it.
But,
how could I?
ow
could I not apologize?
Even
for just a single “sorry”.
For
the tiniest bit, until now that write this, I do not and will never think that
“sorry” was the answer, but “thank you”.
Thank
you. thank you, Thank you!
Thank
you for all those times you helped me to get me over my own mind!
Thank
you for all those places you took me just to make me feel aligned!
Lastly,
thank you for you have succeeded to melt me, even when I try my hardest to
freeze myself!
Thank
you! Thank you.
Just
like I did not say any single “sorry” to you if in the future you could
somehow unhate me and think about all of this over again, please, for my
sanity, do not say any single “sorry” to me.
Why?
Just now when I write this with tears in these eyes, words to describe this
particular confusing feeling came to my mind. I hope you read this, my sun.
You
never break my heart.
I
should have known from the very start.
If
my heartbreak,
It
was never you,
I
break it on my own.
I
break the expectation, hope, and desire that I built on the picture of you, my
sun.
I
never dated you.
I
dated the “sun” that is always on top of my head, even now and then.
Lastly,
I
am,
I
am,
I
am sorry.
Sincerely,
your own private moon.
Written by Lunar Swan
Source:
1.
The students use
2.
Comments